wish i had taken myself out of my university course bc its impossible to motivate myself even for something necessary
its hard to make myself scared to do things because i cant make myself care about the consequences even though i recognise them and think about them all the time.
I rely heavily on making things and drawing but im mostly unable to keep that going. i feel guilty for complaining about it because im probably not helping myself at all.
after i stopped working and didnt hand in my dissertation i became worse because that was the first time id really given up and felt ready to let my life roll into something completely unliveable. I thought maybe after a few weeks my life would end. i didnt feel proactive enough to make any decisions about it. I think for a few days i genuinely thought my body would decide for my brain that i would die and i could wait in bed for it to happen . I became able to sleep for very long periods of time which id only been able to do when my b12 had dropped very low and it felt good. i think i felt content being half dead in that way. my hair was falling out more, i was having panic attacks and i was gaining weight. All of it was really enabling. The worse i felt the more i could let myself go and being reminded of a physical condition that had the same effects sort of validated my behaviour i think. I became increasingly more self-sabotaging. Obviously i came to realise my life wasnt over. I feel scared of how i reacted. I feel like that behaviour wasnt ‘me’ but also i hate myself for exasperating my situation and pretending (still) like im not responsible for it.
the situation and my feelings about my work and my course have largely remained the same i just feel more calm about it because im being medicated. Mostly im unable to work. Sometimes i sit with my pencil case infront of me and pieces of paper but i give up out of stress or become distracted. The fear of failing doesnt get me to work like it used to and i feel like i cant make things out of Just wanting to because mostly i dont enjoy it anymore.
Ive been to the doctor who has given me pills to eat and a doctors note that i have to pay £20 for which i dont have. the medicine is okay and gets rid of the immediate symptoms but makes me feel completely neutral about the whole situation apart from moments where i look at something or think about something that forces me to think about the whole thing.
i guess im trying to say that i recognise all these ways ive reacted and how i feel but i have no idea at all.
i mean im really annoyed about it right now but also i dont know how to make myself get out of this situation and im scared about it mostly and i liked the me who made work.